Will Riker: Ladies Man

Captain Kirk Who? No, no, no, you have to give it up for Commander Riker the ultimate space-faring ladies man. Here are some tips for getting laid in the 24th century straight from William Riker himself. Guaranteed to work even if you’re a dorky ensign. 

Tip 1: Grow a Manly Beard. But Not Too Much Beard.

A beard can take you to warp nine with the ladies even if you had no problem without one. I’d highly recommend trying a beard.


Can Still Get By On My Pure Riker-Ism.


But Why Try So Hard? Take Your Game Up A Notch With A Beard.


Looking Good, Mr. Data. Maybe now you can get some.


Tip 2: What Happens On Risa, Stays On Risa

Risa is a holiday planet filled with lots of “interesting people” to meet. Be sure to book your next shore leave here. Also rock the “Horga’hn”, which lets the ladies know you’re ready for some fun. Or give it to your uptight captain and watch the hilarity result.

I don’t know what “jamaharon” means, but I’m pretty sure I’m going to like it.


Tip 3: Hello Holodeck. 

The Holodeck is a wonderful place to meet women. Especially when you’ve pissed off every other woman on the ship.

I know you’re a hologram, but my penis doesn’t care.


Tip 4: Always Engage The Best Looking Woman On the Ship

Don’t hesitate to set phasers to “stunning” when you meet the most beautiful woman on the ship.

I’m in need of some counselling.


Tip 5: Play The Long Game When Your Crew Mate Jacks The Best Looking Woman On Ship

Just because the woman you’re supposed to be with starts dating some brooding Klingon doesn’t mean all is lost. Simply play the long game and then get back in her good graces.

That’s it. Tell Riker Daddy all about it.


Suck it Worf.


Tip 6: Nude Betazoid Weddings Are A Great Place To Meet Women

Not only is it easier to start flirting when you’re already naked, I find the cuisine at Betazoid weddings to be exceptional.

It’s a little nippy in here.


Tip 7: Don’t Be Afraid To Show Some Skin On Female Dominated Planets.

Personally, I prefer the V-Cut to accentuate chest hair but your mileage may vary based on how much manly chest hair you have. 

A Mimbo and proud.


Tip 8: Having a clone is a great way to spark up old relationships. 

If possible try to have two of you when possible. See I had a clone from a transporter accident who called himself Thomas. She may have dumped you for focusing on your career too much but that doesn’t mean “you from seven years ago” can’t pick up right where you left off.

My double gets more action than Data.


I’m not even on this show, but my double is getting more than any loser on this space station.


Had Enough? Maybe next time I’ll go into some more advance Riker maneuvers, but in the mean time, eat your heart out James T. Kirk.

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