Captain Kirk Who? No, no, no, you have to give it up for Commander Riker the ultimate space-faring ladies man. Here are some tips for getting laid in the 24th century straight from William Riker himself. Guaranteed to work even if you’re a dorky ensign.
Tip 1: Grow a Manly Beard. But Not Too Much Beard.
A beard can take you to warp nine with the ladies even if you had no problem without one. I’d highly recommend trying a beard.
Tip 2: What Happens On Risa, Stays On Risa
Risa is a holiday planet filled with lots of “interesting people” to meet. Be sure to book your next shore leave here. Also rock the “Horga’hn”, which lets the ladies know you’re ready for some fun. Or give it to your uptight captain and watch the hilarity result.
Tip 3: Hello Holodeck.
The Holodeck is a wonderful place to meet women. Especially when you’ve pissed off every other woman on the ship.
Tip 4: Always Engage The Best Looking Woman On the Ship
Don’t hesitate to set phasers to “stunning” when you meet the most beautiful woman on the ship.
Tip 5: Play The Long Game When Your Crew Mate Jacks The Best Looking Woman On Ship
Just because the woman you’re supposed to be with starts dating some brooding Klingon doesn’t mean all is lost. Simply play the long game and then get back in her good graces.
Tip 6: Nude Betazoid Weddings Are A Great Place To Meet Women
Not only is it easier to start flirting when you’re already naked, I find the cuisine at Betazoid weddings to be exceptional.
Tip 7: Don’t Be Afraid To Show Some Skin On Female Dominated Planets.
Personally, I prefer the V-Cut to accentuate chest hair but your mileage may vary based on how much manly chest hair you have.
Tip 8: Having a clone is a great way to spark up old relationships.
If possible try to have two of you when possible. See I had a clone from a transporter accident who called himself Thomas. She may have dumped you for focusing on your career too much but that doesn’t mean “you from seven years ago” can’t pick up right where you left off.
Had Enough? Maybe next time I’ll go into some more advance Riker maneuvers, but in the mean time, eat your heart out James T. Kirk.
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